Becoming the Mother I NEEDED!!

December 10, 2022 one of the best, most PROUDEST days of my life. My youngest son graduated college. First person in my family to complete college. I’m so super proud of him and all of my kids. Sometimes I look at them all and wonder who raised them. Couldn’t be me, because I was raising myself in the midst of “mothering”. Always afraid that I was doing a TERRIBLE job. I never had any real guidance nor love as a child. You see, my mother was very abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally). She’s told me she loved me twice in my life, the first time being when I was 44 years old. Yeah, I was that old. I didn’t grow up with my father in the house, so there’s THAT!! But this isn’t a woe is me blog, it’s a blog about learning to nurture and care for the unloved child in myself, while preparing 4 other AMAZING humans for this world!

So my son stayed with me for 2 months after graduating college. He’d been offered a lucrative job in his field of study before graduation. All he had to do was get the degree, and he could start a few months after in a different city. So there he and I was, mid January, applying for his first apartment. (I still get teary eyed). I remember my first place, I was solely responsible for everything, obtaining, furnishing, learning about paying bills, etc on my own. But he and I furniture shopped together, went to the electric and gas company,(he was getting his bills set up, in his own little name) teaching him about how the bills would go and be monthly, and although he already had a bank account, his new job is with the local airforce base. So we went to open an account with the credit union. Shopping for art/pictures for his place. Once he was ready to move in, I went in and cleaned his place top to bottom as far as sanitizing, helped with decorating, so on and so forth. Once he was in there, he called me a few times when he’d be out shopping for little things he needed. And there I was “mothering”. He needed a washer and dryer, and we talked through the process of whether to finance or buy with cash while at some of the hardware stores. Mattresses, the best and worse ones for your money. I mean….it felt good to be doing this all again. the other kids have been on their own for so long, it felt good to be needed in that capacity again.

Now my mom has never driven a car a day in her life, never held a driver’s license. So anytime we were in a car as kids going somewhere, it was one of her friends driving. To this day, my mom makes you feel guilty if you don’t travel 50 miles one way to come take her to the grocery store. I’ve been driving since I could touch a pedal. Be it my older brother who didn’t grow up with us coming by and me stealing his car, or another means. So, the first 2 weeks after my son started his job, he used my car and then it was off to the dealership to get his own very first car. He chose a color that fits him so perfectly, his fave color actually, and I’ve been blessed to be there through all of this. I try my best to show up for my kids, something my mother has never done and still doesn’t do. I’ve been jealous yet interested when people talk about the relationship they have or had with their mother. Because I don’t know that relationship.

Then there is my daughter. My BEST friend. Just like me, she’s the only girl of 3 boys, but she’s the baby. And the relationship she and I have, I wish I could have with my mom. I’m always talking about how I wish I could have given my kids more when they were growing up, and my kids talk about this AMAZING childhood they had. I didn’t realize the great job I was doing as I felt like a kid myself trying to figure this life thing out. “Lucy” as I call her, is this wonderfully innocent woman, who’s her mother’s child but BETTERf!! I look at her and I see so much of me, yet so much of who I wish I were. She says she’s who she is BECAUSE of who I am!! the love I have for this little woman child can’t be put into words. She is the baby and the girl, but she can get everybody together REAL quick, even me, like she’s the momma! She’s the auntie I’ve always wanted to be, the daughter I wish I COULD be if my mom were open to that kind of relationship, the girlfriend I never knew how to be, the sister we ALL need!! I could go on and on about her. But she calls me “momma” and that’s enough for me!

Mother’s Day of this year, I finally understood the full role I’ve played in my children’s lives, and how in the midst of trying to heal my mother womb, I’d inadvertently become the mother I always NEEDED!!

My oldest son (the other kids say he’s my fave, but I always tell them I’ve just known him longer. lol lol), and his significant other threw a Mother’s Day bbq in the park for me, and her mom. I’m usually all hyped and all over the place and telling them how they don’t have to do anything for me, and I just appreciate them being who they are, even though they still always find a way to celebrate me. This year, I took a chair out there, and I sat and I watched the fruits of my labor, just BE!! I felt like the grandmother in a Tyler Perry movie who was sitting and watching all of her offspring at a family reunion gather…. lmao. But it was a sight to behold. 2 of my grandkids were there, and presented me with the bags that held my Mother’s Day gifts. My children (the People EYE raised), cooked, and fellowshipped, and took good care of ME, as they’ve been doing for a few years now. It is something else. I cry every time I think about how I was able to give the love that I yearned for as a child, and even as an adult, giving it to the wrong people…that love has shown itself and multiplied in the people who share my DNA!!

My son who recently graduated wants me to stop working, and move into his place with him (he made sure to get enough bedrooms for his family to have a place to go if need be, including his niece and nephews). He keeps saying that I deserve a break from life, and the other kids have all said they’d send “mom support” money every month. I have to laugh every time I think about it, cause they love their momma. And I’m so happy to finally know what that feels like. They even all joke about the fact that he’s building a house next year with an in-law suite, so that they can all know where I’m at at all times… ’cause I WILL get gone in a heart beat!! But as I’ve told them, there may come a day where I have no choice but to be a bit of a burden, so I want to stay independent for now, I ain’t THAT damn old!!!!

But imagine, being such a messed up individual from a lack of love during your most formidable years, that you don’t know who you are, who you’re supposed to be and HOW to be. For so long, I didn’t even have my own identity so to speak, or at least I thought I didn’t. There are people who will say they couldn’t tell, or can’t tell, because I always seemed to have it together, and to that I would say, “I had to fake it for these kids.” But they probably raised me, more than I raised them.

My second son, was always my most DEPENDENT child when he was smaller. He would cry for me, to the point where it was always hard to find a baby sitter for him. And he grew up to be my most INDEPENDENT child. He’s had his own place and car since the day he graduated high school. He hasn’t worked for anyone but himself in about 7 or 8 years, and he lives an AMAZING life! He and his girlfriend recently decided to move in together, they’ve been dating for about 4 years. She always had her own place, but would stay at his. He has an AWESOME condo downtown, and they just made the big decision for her to move in a few weeks ago. I like her for him. Neither of them have kids, and they are really working hard to do it all the right way. She’s such a sweet young lady. I had a bit of a health scare a day before she was to officially move in, and ended up at the ER near his house. She came down to check on me, and the way she handled the ER staff and their lack of urgency when it came to me was impressive. I’m usually the one doing the fussing and making sure everyone is fine. But she walked in there, told them a thing or two and got me seen. Then she as well as my son insisted that I stay with them over night, due to me living alone, so they could watch me. I’m no needy person when it comes to making a fuss over me. Matter of fact I rather hate it, which is why I’ve never announced my pregnancies, nor thrown myself a birthday party. I like celebrating and taking care of others. But in this era of my life, it’s good to know I am loved!!!!!! And now my little people are going out and meeting great caring individuals themselves.

I wasn’t always a fan of the young man my daughter has been with for a little over 8 years now, but even he has become someone I’m glad to have in the family. I’ve had a chance to really hear his childhood story recently. He too needed that mother who wasn’t always there. So…GOD! He always know what he’s doing when he brings people into your life I tell ya!!!

So, in allowing myself to be seen about, and fussed over these past few months, it’s made me more aware of how EYE handle me!! I allow the little girl in me to cry when she needs to, because I’ve alway had to be strong. I take her outside to “play” when she says she needs to get out. I allow her to take naps, something that was only used as a means of punishment when I was a kid, so I always associated sleeping past a certain time with being a bad thing. When she sees something she wants I don’t tell her “we’ll see”. I get it for her if I can, and if I can’t get it right then, I work harder to make sure she gets it sooner than later because she deserves it. She’s been working since she was 13. When she wants to blast her music and just dance until her legs are sore, I don’t stop her. When she doesn’t want to be bothered, I allow her alone time away from the world. That lil girl has gone through a LOT in this world. She’s been chastised for merely EXISTING!! She deserves so much now, she’s finally healing, and I”m so proud of who she’s become!!

She’s become the Mother, she’s always needed, not only to her kids, but to HERSELF!!